How NOT to Interact with Parents During VBS

It's the middle of summer, and we're in the thick of VBS season! It's one of my favorite times of the year! For kidmin leaders, we know that means lots of fun with kids, volunteers . . . and parents! I've had the opportunity to have lots of interactions with many parents over the years in children's ministry, but as I reflect on all my VBSes in the past, one particular interaction stands out.

I got this letter in the mail (the actual "snail mail") over a 13 years ago after VBS, when I was in the beginning of my children's ministry career. I was young, inexperienced, hurt, and outraged when I read it. This was from a dad who sent his daughter to a VBS at a church in the Bible Belt in the South . . . and was then surprised when she participated in a salvation altar call, and felt it warranted a call to his attorney (perhaps a scare tactic; it never happened)?! But as I read the letter now, a few years further in my ministry journey, and as a parent myself, I read it with different eyes. 

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When I read the letter now, I see the many ways I failed as a leader and failed to build trust with parents. It may have been a bit of an overreaction (or maybe not!), but parents are extra protective of the most precious things in the entire world to them: their kids. And rightfully so. I understand it.  

This post isn't about whether or not altar calls for salvation are appropriate for kids (my views on that have changed over the years too), but on the mistakes I made as a children's ministry leader in engaging with parents. 

I'm thankful to have had the opportunity to learn from these mistakes, and that's why I've kept this letter over the years. What have I learned? What mistakes did I make?

MISTAKE #1
Leave the parents out of their kids' spiritual milestones. 
Whether or not your church practices altar/salvation calls for kids, and whether or not the parents are involved in your children's ministry, you can include parents and build bridges with parents when it comes to their kids' spiritual development and faith milestones. As someone who grew up with parents who weren't believers, I know what a powerful experience it was for my family when my youth pastor as a teenager built a strong relationship with my parents, and even invited them to church for my baptism! That intentionality spoke volumes to my parents as a witness for the grace and love of Christ. For parents who ARE believers, when we try to take the role away from them or take their place in spiritual development and milestones for their kids, without including them, we rob them of the opportunity and calling God has given them as spiritual leaders in their kids' lives. 

The dad in this letter was rightfully upset when he noticed that we gave out candy in VBS and told the kids to wait and ask their parents before eating it, but then prayed with them for an eternal spiritual decision without even considering their parents—ouch! 

Even if parents are not part of your church or are not believers, you can build relationships and build trust with them. You can include them in spiritual milestones. You can give them resources and ways to support and encourage them as parents, no matter what stage of parenting they're in. 

MISTAKE #2
Communicate with kids instead of parents. 
After this letter, I made a new policy that when I send mail to kids, that is not sealed and not private. I send emails and letters to parents. When communicating directly with kids, I use a postcard). I think sending kids postcards in the mail to let them know you missed them or appreciate them can be impactful, but I also think we need to carefully consider our communication families, and include the parents whenever possible. 


MISTAKE #3
Don't give parents details and information. 
The dad in this letter didn't know our church or our leaders, didn't know what our VBS program would teach and entail, and didn't know about the salvation opportunities that would be presented. While it's not possible to communicate every single detail with every parent, and you will likely (hopefully!) have kids attend VBS who don't go to your church, we CAN give parents an easy way to get details.

You can send a brief email, text, newsletter, or take home paper each day of VBS letting parents know what their kids are learning or doing that day.  You can use a website for VBS registration that included details about your program and church. Especially if your church is targeting kids and families for VBS who aren't already a part of your church, make sure you have an easy way for them to get information about your church, your VBS program, and what to expect. I've seen churches include parents in an opening ceremony or closing ceremony for VBS. One year, I swapped a regular VBS and did a three night Family VBS where whole families attended together, and they loved it!

A simple explanation of safety policies and procedures (whether a poster, a one-on-one conversation, a brochure, or a blurb on your website or registration site) can let parents know what your church does to keep their kids safe. 

WHAT CAN WE DO BETTER?

MAKE VBS EASY AND EFFECTIVE FOR FAMILIES
As a mother of two young kids, I totally understand how difficult it can be just to get out the door and get the kids to church. The best way a church can serve parents is by not making it more complicated and difficult than it needs to be. VBS registration should be easy and uncomplicated (make sure it's easy to find on your website, and send emails with info!); parking should be easy to figure out (and not too far away from the church); check-in should be fast and smooth, and not too hard to figure out. It should be easy to know where to go and how to pick your kids up. Having extra labels for kids' items is helpful. The check-out process should also be smooth, effective, and safe. If a parent can pick up their kids without any kind of pick-up tag, or there's no way to match the pick-up tag to the kids they are picking up, parents won't feel that their kids are safe. Make sure your volunteers actually enforce the pick-up procedures. I've taken my kids to 5 different VBSes in my town and only 2 of them actually utilized a safe and secure check-out process. 

SPEAK POSITIVELY 
With many VBS parents, we only get a 30 second interaction with them, and that's during drop-off and pick-up. That's the chance for the greeters, small group leaders, and check-out volunteers to make an impression and let them know you care for their family and their child.

One time, I heard a young, well-meaning preschool volunteer say to a parents (in front of a crowded hallway with all their friends around) "Man!! Your kid was wild and bad today! He was crazy!!" I saw the look on the poor parents' faces and how their faces sank and how embarrassed they looked, and it broke my heart. Even if we have to speak with parents about behavior issues, these conversations need to happen in private, and need to be filled with grace, compassion, and love. The best things to say to a parent during pick up time are words of affirmation and love for their kid, and something specific about how awesome their kid is would be even better! Remind your leaders to look for opportunities to let parents know how awesome their kids and to look for specific positive things to share with parents. 

LOVE THEIR KIDS 
I know someone whose daughter has a wonderful Sunday school teacher who goes out of her way to show care for the kids in her class. The volunteer goes to the kids' performances and takes them a special treat during their school lunch time (with parents' permission). It means the world to the little girl, but it means even more to the parents that another adult cares so much for their daughter and is walking with them in helping her know the Lord. Another volunteer spent a day in the hospital sitting with a boy in his small group's family while the boy was sick. He prayed with the parents and was simply available for them. I know how special it is when my kids are excited to see their favorite leaders at church, and when those leaders are excited to see my kids, it impacts me. Parents love people who love their kids. 
I'm thankful for an awesome church I get to be a part of right now, and for the leaders who pour into my kids every week.

Over the years I've been in children's ministry leadership, I've had the opportunity to grow in my leadership and learn from my mistakes so I can become a better and more influential leader. I'm grateful for the grace from others to learn from mistakes.

Before I became a parent, I joked that the kids were the easy part of children's ministry; the parents were the difficult part! But now I understand that children's ministry and parents should be the strongest allies and partners, because we're both working toward the same goal: helping kids know Christ.